I am not who I used to be, nor am I the person I am longing to be.
I can only, in this moment, be who I am.
I will try not to carry the shame of who I used to be. Either by reality or misguided false sense of self, when I look back and see myself I don’t want to be disappointed. That ends today. That ends this year. That past version of myself has a lot to teach the me of today. I can learn from her. I can understand her. I can grow from her mistakes.
I will try not to be sad in missing my younger self. The youth, the energy, the dreams and excitement. I used to be more fearless. I believed I could change the world. I used to be more bright eyed and filled with wonder and saw the possibility of love everywhere. I will not be sad that I am not that innocent girl anymore. I will dig her out behind all the anger and frustration and jagged edges of my heart. I know she’s still in there somewhere and she has a place in my life.
I will try not to hold my current self to the expectations of who I want to be. I am not there yet so I don’t want to carry the heavy load of disappointment that I have not achieved all I have set out to accomplish. My journey in discovery is not yet over. I can not, nor must I rush the process. Who I am in this moment is critical to who I will become. I must not miss the challenges and joys and learning of this day. Of this version of myself.
I want space in my heart to appreciate who I am right now. There is no room to love her when I am holding on to things I can not change from the past or a version of myself that makes feel “less than” until I get there.
This year, I want embrace my life from where I really am. Who I really am. In this beautiful acceptance of my full reality. The good. The broken. The real. The honest. The shortcomings. The dreams. The wounds. The hurt. The hate. The extra pounds. The empty bank account. The friends. The loneliness. The non-ideal job. The hard marriage. The empty womb. The empty house. The therapist. The therapist I need. The faith I want but don’t have. The joy I long for but feel desperate to find. The bad habits I would like to change. The blessings I have but forget to count.
This girl. This person I am today is necessary and cherished and important. I will chose not to wound her by mishandling her. I may need to work on some things, but first…first I choose to love her. Accept her. Get to know her.
Then and only then, do I want my journey in this crazy thing called life and self discovery to be motivated by inspiration, not guilt that I have such a long way to go. I want to be inspired towards health, healing and depth of life, artistic expression, and change that allows me to be a better version of myself. A version of myself I can respect and share with others. I don’t want to be told how to be a healthier me, I want to be inspired into action.
I believe our lives look different when we start from a place of inspiration rather than guilted into change. I want to be a vessel of change that starts from a place of art and creativity and knowledge, rather than the shame or guilt that I am not doing enough. I am not being enough. I don’t know enough.
One source of action is based in emptiness and trying to prove something.
The other is action breathed into life from a source of inspiration.
This is the gift that I love so much about Gatherhaus. We try very hard not to give our community “One more thing to do” but rather, being so moved by a story or image or idea that we are empowered to change a behavior that gifts us a deeper, richer, more meaningful life.
May you find your source of acceptance and inspiration this New Year so that you will have peace in your heart and a life that feels rich instead of weighed down.